Call Me By Your Name/请以你的名字呼唤我
喜欢一个人会让你感到难以启齿，
甚至近乎羞耻，
直到你们确定彼此有着相同的喜欢。
——少年情怀总是诗
那个名叫Elio的17岁男孩是这样肖想着他梦中如天神般完美的男人。
——像每个人面对初爱时那样，以跪吻天神的虔诚，捧起一颗自惭形秽的真心
He's the best person I've known in my life.
No, he's the noble sort, I thought. Not like me, insidious, sinister, and base, which pushed my agony and shame up a few notches.
I knew I had no hold on him, nothing to offer, nothing to lure him by. I was nothing. Just a kid.
那个名叫Elio的17岁男孩是这样神经质地纠结着他们每一场似有若无的调情。
——像第一次用舌尖偷尝美酒时，涩辣地缩回了身子，却仍旧忍不住一次再一次地鼓足了勇气
I was exaggerating when I said I thought you hated the piece. What I meant to say was: I thought you hated me, I was hoping you'd persuade me of the opposite — and you did, for a while. Why won't I believe tomorrow morning?
Fire like a pleading that says, Please, please, tell me I'm wrong, tell me I've imagined all this because it can't possibly be true for you as well, and if it's true for you too, then you're the crudest man alive.
What I didn't realize was that wanting to test desire is nothing more than a ruse to get what we want without admitting that we want it.
那个名叫Elio的17岁男孩是这样炙热而痴缠地描述着他的爱情。
——If there is any truth in the world, it lies when I'm with you
This is not, cannot, had better not be a dream, because the words that came to me, as I pressed my eyes shut, were, this is like coming home, like coming home to a place where everyone is like you, where people know, they just know — coming home as when everything falls into place and you suddenly realize that for seventeen years all you'd been doing was fiddling with the wrong combination.
It would have to come from him first, then possibly from me. There is a law somewhere that says that when one person is thoroughly smitten with the other, the other must unavoidably be smitten as well. Love，which exempts no one who's loved from loving. Just wait and be hopeful. I was hopeful, though perhaps this was that I had wanted all along — to wait forever.
you are my homecoming. When I'm with you and we're well together, there is nothing more I want. You make me like who I am, who I become when you're with me, Oliver. If there is any truth in the world, it lies when I'm with you.
书里有三个部分，是让我忍不住一读再读的：
一是Elio终于透过"暗恋"的八十八层滤镜，艰难窥探到Oliver逐渐真实的那些部分。我想，要触摸一个24岁的初老灵魂，对于一个17岁的少年来说，哪怕是一个聪慧又早熟的少年，怕也不是一件容易的事吧。
从迷恋Oliver的睿智、深邃，迷恋他的潇洒自如、满不在乎，到某一瞬间幡然醒悟，所有的洞察与先知必然都源于自我的缺失与解构。那一刻，Oliver终于不再是完美的天神，而是如自己一样行走着的凡人。
爱情，总是在触碰到弱点的那一刻，才开始有真实而深沉的重量。
He saw through everybody, but he saw through them precisely because the first thing he looked for in people was the very thing he had seen in himself and may not have wished others to see.
How could anyone intuit the manner of someone's thinking unless he himself was already familiar with this same mode of thinking? How could he perceive so many devious turns in others unless he had practiced them himself?
What struck me was not just his amazing gift for reading people, for rummaging inside them and digging out the precise configuration of their personality, but his ability to intuit things in exactly the way I myself might have intuited them. This, in the end, was what drew me to him with a compulsion that overrode desire or friendship or the allurements of a common religion.
Oliver走了以后，父亲找到Elio的那番谈话，是又一段翻了再翻的经典。
我们总是试图让自己在糟糕的处境中尽快地治愈、飞速地忘记，于是我们终于变得无所失去。
——可是为了"感觉不到"而"不去感觉"，是一件多么浪费的事啊。
"Fear not. It will come. At least I hope it does. And when you least expect it. Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember: I am here. Right now you may not want to feel anything. Perhaps you never wished to feel anything. And perhaps it's not with me that you'll want to speak about these things. But feel something you did."
"Look," he interrupted. "You had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough. But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is a pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don't snuff it out, don't be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night and watching others forget us sooner than we'd want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything — what a waste!"
"Have I spoken out of turn?" he asked, "Then let me say one more thing. It will clear the air. I may have come close, but I never had what you had. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. But remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. Most of us can't help but live as though we've got two lives to live, one is the mockup, the other the finished version, and then there are those versions in between. But there's only one, and before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there's sorrow. I don't envy the pain, but I envy you the pain."
我从未把这个故事视作是悲剧，即使早在未读前就已经知晓分开的结局。
对于所有与"爱"有关的命题，我从来都习惯了只以"爱"的维度去考量，而其他所谓的"幸福"或者"喜剧"那都是另一个维度里世俗化的概念罢了。
可即便如此，当真的翻到故事的最后一章，读到逐渐变得节制起来的用词，酸楚的感觉还是一串一串地涌了出来。
那个热烈到神经兮兮的17岁的盛夏，那个世外桃源般的意大利的盛夏，原来时光缎带中，"当时只道是寻常"的苦夏时光，也并不是每年都会来临。
那个曾经从脚趾到发梢都让人疯狂的17岁少年，慢慢碾过15年的光阴，再次走到Oliver的面前，他甚至都没法轻易答应一个上门喝一杯的邀约，为什么？cuz it never went away
"The truth is I'm not sure I can feel nothing. Perhaps it never went away."
"So, that's why you can't come over for drinks?"
"So, that's why I can't come over for drinks."
......
"Would you start again if you could?"
I looked at him. "Why are you asking?"
"Because. Just answer."
......
"What did you write on the back of the postcard?"
"It was going to be a surprise."
"I'm too old for surprises. Besides, surprises always come with a sharp edge that is meant to hurt. I don't want to be hurt — not by you. Tell me."
"Just two words."
"Let me guess: If not later, when?"
"Two words, I said. Besides, that would be cruel."
I thought for a while, "I give up."
"Heart of hearts, I've never said anything truer in my life to anyone."
......
"I'm like you," he said, "I remember everything."
I stopped for a second. If you remember everything, I wanted to say, and if you are really like me, then before you leave tomorrow, or when you're just ready to shut the door of the taxi and have already said goodbye to everyone else and there's not a thing left to say in this life, then, just this once, turn to me, even in jest, or as an afterthought, which would have meant everything to me when we were together, and, as you did back then, look me in the face, hold my gaze, and call me by your name.
如果时光真的曾带来过如此耀眼的光芒，
留我在日后漫漫的阴翳中痛一些又何妨。
【其他耽美文评戳戳戳】
